While having trouble sleeping and the presidential race on my mind, I decided it was time to let Obama and Romney duke it out in one last arena — Warriors Orochi 3.
The setup was simple, choose characters that match the candidates and their support structures. Each will then compete in a single randomly selected stage. Each team gets a point for each 100 KO’s they have at the end, and a point for each mission completed at the end of the stage. Most points wins. This was done in a series of three rounds.
The randomly selected stage was the “Battle of Xu Chang – Redux” which was oddly appropriate for a match up of potential world leaders. The battle involves breaking into Xu Chang castle, and then avoiding detection while rescuing Nene, Xing Cai, and Oichi. Then the team must face the wrath of Dong Zhuo and any officers that were not alerted during the rescue. Finally, the stage culminates in chasing down and capturing Shuten Doji. The stage gives them a wide array of tasks, well suited to a test of presidential proportions.
So with that let’s meet the candidates:
Barack Obama– represented by Zhuge Liang
To play the president, I picked a character who shares his personality traits and flaws in Romance of the Three Kingdoms, the brilliant strategist Zhuge Liang. Zhuge Liang was an excellent strategist, well educated, well versed, and ruled the Kingdom of Shu as Prime Minister well until his death due to illness. He was extremely intelligent, but came off a bit pompous at times. He also wasn’t very good at planning for the future. Rather than obey his passing lord’s dying wish of taking the throne of Shu for himself, he remained in the position of Prime Minister while an addle-minded Liu Shan took the throne, and would eventually surround himself with corruption that would bring the entire kingdom to it’s knees. Also, while in the Warriors series Jiang Wei is always painted as Zhuge’s prodigy, in the book Zhuge did little to prepare Jiang Wei for the hard times ahead, giving him his book of strategies, and that’s about it.
Mitt Romney — represented by Yuan Shao
Yuan Shao was a bold leader in the early days of the Three Kingdoms era. It was under his banner that the feuding Later Han leaders banded under to stop Dong Zhuo who had made a mockery of their government. He showed plenty of ambition in the following years, and was not lacking in strength. Yuan Shao, and his sons that followed him, however, all suffered from a pretty big flaw — pride. Particularly, the Yuans had a great amount of pride in their lineage and only hired and promoted those who were from well-to-do families. They were so mired in nepotism and dated politics that a leader like Cao Cao (who made thieves and thugs into strategists and bodyguards) was able to over power Yuan Shao’s forces rather easily.
So without further ado, on with the show:
We gave the President the honor of starting the first round, choosing his team of Zhuge Liang, Yue Ying (Zhuge’s wife), and Wei Yan (a prominent officer of his day). They did incredibly well, scoring well over 700 kills, which would have completed the missions for that stage. However, they failed to capture Shuten Doji, which meant the stage ended in defeat. Since all the missions require the stage to be a victory, the president lost the points for any missions, and only got the score for KO’s, which would be 7.
Governor Romney’s team consisted of Yuan Shao, Zhang He (prominent officer), and Zhen Ji (fiancee to one of his sons before Cao Pi came and stole her later on). This team did manage to capture Suten Doji and complete all the missions with over 600 KOs, which gave Romeny the lead of 11 points.
Round 2 we mixed it up a bit with characters that represented the range of people within their party. Governor Romney was given the lead on this one with two Samurai companions. Yoshimoto Imagawa represents the republicans in the past year that have shown to be out-of-touch or just ignorant of how the world around them is changing. Nobunaga Oda was chosen to represent the republicans who seem ruthless and unfeeling, yet are driven to move them forward. This team did well, until they had to face the onslaught of Dong Zhuo, and were slaughtered. Having ended prematurely, Romney gained only 3 points from the 300 KOs before his team’s unfortunate demise.
Mr. President went next with a new team as well. His first addition was Ranmaru Mori, who is well known for being a cross-dresser, representative of Democrats who want to force upon us these new ideas of sexuality and family. My second choice was Masamune Date for his strength of character but lack of reverence for religion and spirituality, but he admittedly was much higher level than any other the characters used in this competition so far, so instead I replaced him with Sasaki Kojiro to even the field a bit. This time the President cleared the stage with 500 KOs, but alerted the gaurds during the rescue phase, and only managed to complete 1 of the 6 other missions.Therefore, he only recouped 6 points.
Round three used the best teams of the previous rounds (i.e. the ones that actually got through the stage). Mr. President went first with Sasaki Kojiro and Ranmaru Mori, and did the same as before. They completed the stage with over 500 KOs, but only completed 2 missions, and so only got 7 points.
Governor Romney went back to the effective team of Zhang He and Zhen Ji, and completed the stage with 600 KOs and all missions completed, adding another 12 points.
Romney/Yuan 26 – Obama/Zhuge 20
So it looks like the world of Warriors Orochi 3 has chosen Yuan Shao… er… Governor Romney as the next President of the United States.
Good Luck to both real candidates. Go vote! And God Bless!